I finally got off my ass the other night and sat down to watch Valhalla Rising, a pre-apocalyptic flick about Vikings. The main focus of the film being one messed up motherlover, One-Eye, who is fcuking badass. TO the MIZZAX! It starts out with this guy, One-Eye, and he’s all slave bound to some local Goddard (chieftain, or “mayor” of a small province) who knows he’s badass and he’s pretty much starved, poked at with sticks, and riled up enough to be put up on a mud pen in a battle royale againsts other man-slaves. In other words, he gots himself Michal Vick’d, he did, govnuh!

I know, too soon, right? It’s true though. Watch the movie, you’ll see what I’m talking about. Then you’ll be “oh man…that dude was right…” and I’ll come knocking on your door for the five bucks you owe me. It’s only five bucks you lost fair and square. Stop distracting me.

Back to it, the reason One-Eye is baller, isn’t because he’s mute, it’s because he’s virtually superhuman. NO HE DOESN’T FLY, STOP ASKING. He is super strong, doesn’t lose in battle, and has one freaking eye. Back then, that’s all you needed to be a virtual demi-god. Oh, and every once and a while, he gets a vision. WARNING: NERD OUT ABOUT TO HAPPEN. The One-Eye thing makes everyone instantly think of Odin (thank you, Anthony Hopkins, for being the second worst thing about the Thor movie), and in some senses it’s true- he has one eye. Good for you, you noticed. More importantly, it’s the visions that are more “Odin-like”. Pull up a chair, let me tell you something neat- back in the day of the Pagan gods, there were a few folk around that were considered “seers” or “vessels”, people who received visions from their Gods, whichever ones they prayed to. For those who committed themselves to Odin, the slutty All-Father of the gods, those seers would often receive visions of vague, but important visions. The visions of Odin, whom being a master of disguise and deceit and what not, were often misinterpreted by the Seers. They’d see what they wanted to see out of the visions, but not what the message was intended to tell. It was kind of messed up, but not nearly as messed up as what One-Eye (back to the movie) does to his slave captors once he gets out. I said, STOP DISTRAC- ooOOo my cat just parkour’d off the wallholysh*tthatwasawesome!

Spoiler Alert: one of them is disemboweled with an arrow head. It’s funny, though, because when the local Goddard was chatting with his buddy about ole One-Eye, his buddy mentioned ish was going to go down if he kept at it. And what happens? Dude get’s his head on a spike. THAT’S WHATS UP! One-Eye escapes and kills everyone, except for the kid who fed him in the cage, who becomes his voice to all the nerds who don’t understand how trendy it is not to talk. On his quest home, he meets up with a bunch of born-again Vikings (the bandwagon’ers who converted to the White-Christ instead of relying on their pagan gods) who are also questing- for the Holy Lands of Jerusalem. Obviously, One-Eye wants nothing more than to PWN his new compatriots, but he needs a ride to where his visions are taking him, so he doesn’t kill them-yet. Boom. I’ve spoiled enough, but if I could tell you more, I’d tell you how they all go on a bender in the New World. Oh…crap..

Long story short, if you’re a fan typical Viking movie with good action, little talking, a lot of artistic interpretation in the way the film is shot, then you need to check this one out. No joke. I loved it. But then again, I have the background which gives me a more thorough understanding as to why sh*t’ is so messed up. Which means I’m smarter than you. By the way, you owe me 100$ for the lesson in Norse Mythology. Pay up, son.

Valhalla Rising- 3.5/5 Balkuzi

Stream it on Netflix, or route it to your PS3/XBOX so you can make out with your girlfriend to horrific battle scenes. I heard it’s all the rage in Europe.

I pillaged the cover pic from ArchieHopeful. Hope you don’t mind, friend.


  1. Mike says:

    You, my friend, also have a solid review on the film. Well done, sir!


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